I'll take a break this month from the usual rant, and let others give you some humorous insights on rebanding. The first came to me from an unknown source. Apparently, someone thinks the current rebanding rules don't adequately describe the process. Here's that person's attempt at a rewrite:

Notice of Proposed Rulemaking: Part 90, Section 000 (a) 1(c)

Section I. No NPSPAC incumbent licensee, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a NPSPAC incumbent licensee, may try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part, of the herein mentioned 800 MHz rebanding rules and procedures, except as authorized by the Transition Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Transition Administrator.

Section II. If a NPSPAC incumbent licensee becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the 800 MHz rebanding rules and procedures, they must immediately notify the Transition Administrator.

Section III. Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Transition Administrator shall immediately rewrite the 800 MHz rebanding rules and regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV. The Transition Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending NPSPAC incumbent licensee or licensees to attend remedial instruction in 800 MHz rules and regulations until such time that the NPSPAC incumbent licensee is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.

This second item is an ode to rebanding, courtesy of Marsha Kessler, who apparently suffers from the same lack of quality time with her husband, who toils for an LMR manufacturer, as my wife suffers with me.

Rebanding has sucked ALL the life out of me,
There's no time to eat and there's no time to pee!
There's no time for sleep and no time for rest,
I'm giving my all; I'm trying my best!

But there's no time for family; there's no time for friends.
One phone call is over and another begins!
From sun up to sundown, day in and day out,
It seems that's what rebanding's all about!

I'm stranded in airports or stuck on a plane,
Will this ever be over? I'm going insane!
I'm sick of hotel rooms and rental cars, too,
I'm only one person; what more can I do?

My computer is broken; it's worn out like me!
There's no help to be had from those nerds in IT!
I'm in my pajamas — a fact I confess —
And I'm thinking of changing my e-mail address!

There's no time to shave and there's no time to shower,
And mediation meetings increase by the hour!
With this dizzying pace, a blind man could see
Rebanding has sucked ALL the life out of me!

And that is my tale of sorrow and woe,
There's a conference call waiting, so I simply must go.
Each day is the same, the whole freaking week through,
Hope rebanding won't suck the life out of you!

From this, you might sense — correctly — that some of us have become tired, frustrated and otherwise annoyed by certain aspects of rebanding. At the end, I think we'll be going out for a huge weekend get-together with adult beverages. Thanks to all the spouses and children who have been so understanding toward all the missing folks who are trying to make rebanding work for everyone.


Alan Tilles is counsel to numerous entities in the private radio and Internet industries. He is a partner in the law firm of Shulman Rogers Gandal Pordy & Ecker and can be reached at atilles@srgpe.com.