Speaker’s block
Next month I’ll be delivering the welcoming speech at the opening session of the International Wireless Communications Exposition (IWCE) in Las Vegas. The job fell to me because the organizers couldn’t get Linda Tripp, who has demonstrated an ability for electronic/wireline interception unseen since “Mr. Watson! Come here! I need you!” was first uttered.
I always look forward to IWCE. It’s got the glitz of Vegas combined with the attendance of an Elks Lodge “Free Beer Night.” Thousands of regular guys and gals circulate in the halls, in the sessions and in the hospitality suites, garnering more useful information than can be had at most major events in the industry.
Now that Small Business in Telecommunications (SBT) is dovetailing its Spring seminar (held the day before) with IWCE, I’m a busy man. I have to prepare for the SBT “Jam Session,” while preparing for my speech at the IWCE opening session. What’s that joke about a one-legged man?
Those of you who have witnessed one of my speeches know that I don’t spend much time on preparation. I like the spontaneity and informality that comes with speaking from the heart, rather than from a prepared script. Yeah, right. Bull. I’m lazy. Besides, I did write a script for a speech once, and it bored everyone, even me, so much that I had to administer No-Doz to the crowd to get them through it.
So, like a one-man version of “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” I’ve always just gotten up and said my piece. It wasn’t always polished (or even coherent), but I left no doubt that I had not used a pack of speech writers and advisers to craft a canned message. I leave that stuff to the Power Point presentations crowd and presidential candidate George W.
But, despite my lack of past preparations, I’m trying to come up with a slam-bang speech for IWCE this year. This task is difficult enough without distracting debates about the number, size and accouterments of a Vegas-showgirls dancing line or critiques of the musical stylings of Vinnie Baccarat, who’s headlining at the Try-A-Pull Casino-Lounge and Escort Service.
What I’m trying to decide is what will be the theme of my speech. It could be a musical tribute to the combined profits enjoyed by PageNet and Nextel, set to “It’s a Small World After All.” I could focus on the telecommunications policy of the present administration, accompanied by the old country western standard, “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away.” Then there’s the theme song to Motorola’s demand for customer lists, which would also work for the new CALEA initiatives: “Someone to Watch Over Me.”
As you can see, this isn’t easy. This type of writer’s block can keep a person up nights hummin’ “I’m Walking the Floor Over You.”
I could devote the whole speech to our firm’s recent efforts on behalf of a local paging company, wherein we got one of the major LECs to provide reciprocal compensation for the termination of traffic. It took a formal complaint process before the FCC, but the deal was done on settlement. Maybe that old hit, “Both Sides Now,” would work.
There was the outcome of the James Kay case, wherein the Administrative Law Judge found greater fault with the FCC’s enforcement personnel than with Kay. If I focus on this case, I guess “I Shot the Sheriff” might work. It’s catchy, and the whole audience could join in on the chorus.
How’s about I “speechify” on FCC plans to auction private radio spectrum? Practically the entire private radio industry joined to tell the commission that marrying auctions and private licensing was a bad idea, thematically suggesting “Stupid Cupid.”
I figure that the Location Monitoring Service auctions might work as a topic, done to the tune of “Radar Love,” but how much can you say about it? Nextel is out buying channels again; “Money” springs to mind. Kenwood has had some difficulty with its dealer network of late. Any song to which you can do the Texas two-step would appear to fill the bill.
There’s a new study that said that laboratory rodents could get cancer-if they’re bombarded with enough RF to communicate with extraterrestrial life forms. I guess I’d have to recreate the 1960s Vegas shows of the “Rat Pack” to put that over. There’s the North America Numbering Plan-it could be musically accompanied by the old Glenn Miller standard, “Pennsylvania 6-5000.”
There’s the song that I’ve sung to Morgan O’Brien in the quiet moments of working on so many past petitions: “You Don’t Send Me Flowers Anymore.” There’s the Iridium project that appears to be spinning out into space: “Ground Control to Major Tom.”
I could just focus on the whole commission and run “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” on the playback.
It’s all too much-and too silly. After all, I’m a serious lawyer practicing in the most serious town in America. In Washington, people are so full of themselves that they give courses on self-networking. This town has more titles than Amazon.com, and each one comes with a self-important sigh each time it’s used in the tag line of an introduction.
So, what am I to do? If I give the speech I want, my peers will vilify me for being too flip about the important issues that are at the core of the present regulatory environment. On the other hand, I don’t want the audience to become so bored that they would prefer to listen to the collective biographies of toll booth operators.
Which side do I come down on?
To split the baby, I’ve decided to show a film starring Sophia Loren, Pamela Anderson Lee, Mel Gibson and Pierce Brosnan demonstrating the correct diagnostic technique to determine RF absorption measurements on a typical rooftop to determine compliance with OSHA and FCC regulations (while assuring proper system performance to avoid intermodulation problems and multipath distortion). The June Taylor dancers will do a tribute to radio frequency engineering as they form various Carey contours from selected antennas, employing body parts as significant terrain features. The musical accompaniment will include Nikki, Mercy, Don and Dave of the MRT staff singing the greatest hits of the ’60s rock group Question Mark and the Mysterians, while performing with hand puppets representing the FCC bureau chiefs.
Or maybe I’ll just wing it. You’ll have to show up to find out.
Schwaninger speaks at 9 a.m. on March 22. -Ed.