Do it for Reed
Now that he’s out of a job, I’m beginning to worry about Reed Hundt. So far, former chairman Hundt hasn’t shown up on anyone’s letterhead as the newest luminary. What does this mean? Is he having trouble landing after his turbulent flight as captain of the FCC fighter jet that swooped over the Capitol, dropping auction revenue on the Treasury? How will he pay his cable bill?
Because I think it would be unseemly to stand behind the unemployed Hundt in a grocery line, watching him count out food stamps, I propose that we have a little auction of our own. The proceeds would go toward making sure Reed isn’t left high and dry. I propose that we auction off some Reed Hundt memorabilia. I admit that I stole the idea from one of those home shopping channels, but then an auction seems right to help Reed, so here goes.
By the way, each one of these items was collected from the basement, attic and dumpster serving the FCC. Each comes with a letter of authenticity signed by a guy named Murray, so you know that it’s all good stuff.
An HDTV receiver Whatdoihear for a high-definition TV receiver?! You could be the first person on your block to own one and beat the stampedes of shoppers who will be shelling out more than $1,000 per set for these puppies, once they’re on the market.
Okay, so there isn’t a signal that they can get, and you can’t even hook one up to the cable converter to download “The Best of Tony Orlando.” But think about the stimulating conversations you can have with dinner guests as you explain the global industrial policy game that caused the Japanese-American trade negotiations to explode when the Zenith standard was adopted for digital delivery. Hey, that’s more fun than a game of Twister with Kathy Ireland!
A CTIA bouquet With many of the same lovely flowers found in the famous “tickler” from FTD, the CTIA bouquet is specially designed for that special someone at the FCC who covers your backside from regulation. Owing to the number of occasions one of these garlands was sent during the Hundt administration, we have a lot of these to offer to bidders. So, order three today, and we’ll send you a dozen more absolutely free. They’re great for parties, funerals or just to tell someone that you really are interested in hiring them later.
A Block C letter of credit This limited edition print is highly rare and available to only the first three callers. Used by PCS Block C auction winners, these letters were printed on cheap paper that, once exposed to sunlight, disintegrates rapidly. Embossed with disappearing ink, the bank’s logo is the first to fade. But don’t worry, the watermark remains as a permanent symbol of the company’s stock. Makes a great gag gift for anyone in the brokerage business!
A commemorative change maker Donated by the FCC auction division, this replica of the same metal belt ornament worn by trolley car drivers makes a great gift for anyone who doesn’t deal in round numbers. It comes with a small bell that signals that another sale has been made, and it only gives out Mercury dimes.
Bossy, the Federal Cash Cow This plush toy is the right gift for anyone with children. Made out of real leather, Bossy is ready to be milked by anyone elected to Congress, and she even gives a contented “moo” with every squeeze. Democrats and Republicans alike will get terms of fun out of Bossy, a must for every budget-balancing get-together. Comes with its own stable, which you can assemble in minutes, simply by installing the public trough and filling with free spectrum!
The Bill and Keep Video Collection Now you can own the hilarious video of this wacky duo and roar at the witty banter that has made Bill and Keep one of the most entertaining teams in commission history! Watch as Bill’s sidekick, R. Bock, says those comedically immortal words, “We can’t grow without the dough.” You’ll watch this tape again and again with your friends just to see if anyone notices that they’re not viewing a remake of “Who’s on First.” Also available on CD.
The FCC Auction Home Game After years of watching the real thing, now you can get the FCC’s auction in the home version. Battle with friends and foes as you bid to the top of the heap and emerge the winner in your own spectrum auction. But watch out! The fun’s only begun. Now sell your company’s stock, float a bond and don’t get caught by the evil investment banker as you leverage for cash, prizes and the ability to financially survive while you pay for spectrum, equipment and distribution in this fast pace game. Fun for the whole family! Sorry, no C.O.D. or time payments available.
The James Quello Punch-up Doll Once used by Reed himself, this pop-up punching bag looks just like former commissioner James Quello. Take out your frustrations day after day by whacking Jimmy again and again and watch him bounce back for more. But that’s not all! Each time Jimmy rocks back up, his hidden taped message clearly taunts, “That’s one for the broadcasters.” Relieves tension and stress, and makes a great Father’s Day gift for the busy executive.
Yes, we’ve got it all here at the Reed Hundt memorabilia sale, and remember, your contributions go to a worthy cause_making sure Reed Hundt stays off the public dole. So, call today to place your order or just dial up the FCC Web site and click us your bid for these wonderful items. Orders of more than $50,000 will be eligible for the Al Gore telephone cozy, the perfect cover for all federal phones.
Schwaninger, MRT’s regulatory consultant, is a partner in the law firm of Brown & Schwaninger, Washington, DC. He is a member of the Radio Club of America.